From Full Days to Quiet Nights: Navigating the Loneliness of Single Motherhood as My Boys Grow Up – Part 1

It’s been a gradual shift towards loneliness, from meals always at the table, to “mum, can I eat in my room tonight”. The shift from being needed to assist with most tasks, to barely any at all has been bittersweet. Emotions in this phase of my life have been all over the place. The loneliness crept into my life like the slow growing ivy on my garden wall. Unnoticed at first, until one day, I realised that it had wrapped itself around everything. I have been a mum for all my adult life, so I have begun to feel like I’ve lost my purpose in life. If I’m not a mum, what am I good for? Yet, beneath that, there was also a feeling of relief, followed swiftly by guilt. Hopefully, by sharing my thoughts and feelings at this change in my journey through motherhood, I can remind others that they are not alone in feeling this way. The transition for ‘Mummy’, to ‘Mum’- and now, sometimes even ‘Brah’!

Why This Feels So Hard?

Long gone are the days of nappies and night feeds, as my sons are now 18 and 13. However, I wasn’t prepared for the stark changes when they both hit secondary (high school) age. Slowly the daily mum responsibilities disappeared, and I didn’t even have the school run to cling to anymore. For years, my days were filled with tasks, routines, and responsibilities that revolved around my boys. Now, much of that structure is gone, and with it, I’ve realized how much of my identity was tied to being a mum first. Now, I find I have more time that I know what to do with, yet the creeping loneliness often keeps me from doing anything at all. The shift from being needed constantly to having so much quiet in my life has been both emotional and bittersweet.

Evenings are the hardest. Sitting alone on the sofa while the boys spend their time giggling and chatting away online with their mates, or at work. It seems so long ago now that the long bathtime/bedtime routine dominated my evenings. That old routine used to structure my nights. Now, I sit on the sofa, scrolling mindlessly, half-listening to my sons' laughter from behind closed doors. I remind myself that they’re happy, that their independence is a good thing, but that doesn’t make the loneliness any easier to ignore. I used to long for a moment of peace. Just one evening without chaos. Now, the stillness feels too much.

On weekends, I never have set plans, something that wouldn’t have been able to imagine just a few years ago. I used to be booked up with birthday parties, school events, play dates. Now, the calendar is empty, and I’m left wondering, what do I do with myself now?  This transition has made me reflect on my own journey. How being a young mum shaped my experience, how navigating this without always having a partner has brought its own challenges, and how I’m learning to define my role beyond just being ‘Mummy’.

Becoming a Young Mum at 17: How It Shaped My Parenting Experience

I was 17 when I became a mum. I was young, inexperienced, and completely unprepared for how much life was about to change. At an age when most people were thinking about graduation, nights out, or their next steps in life, I was holding a tiny human in my arms. Looking back at pictures I was just a child! My boyfriend had just broken up with me, leaving me feeling completely lost. That’s not a story I want to get into now, but it certainly impacted my trust and feelings towards men and partners for such a long time.

Being a young mum had so many challenges. I had to grow up fast! I didn't have the luxury of easing into adulthood like my school friends did, I was thrown straight in. Like a kid thrown into the deep end of the pool with no armbands, just trying to stay afloat. There were many moments of exhaustion, moments where I really doubted myself, moments when I felt like I was missing out on the experiences my friends were having. But there were also moments of unconditional love, of realizing that no night out could ever compare to the feeling of my little Alexander falling asleep on my chest.

I think being young meant I had the energy to keep up, to play, to be more adaptable. Especially now, when I feel I couldn’t possibly relive those days at this age! It also meant I second-guessed myself all the time. I still do.  I was never sure if I was doing things "right," but I was doing my best. I don’t think you ever really know if you’re doing things right as a parent. Being a teen mum truly shaped the kind of parent I became, a mum who learned as she went. I had to be both gentle and unbreakable, both a nurturer and a protector, all while still growing up myself.

Navigating Motherhood Without Having a Partner (Most of the Time)

Doing it alone made everything feel more difficult. There was no one to share the long nights, the financial worries, the endless list of decisions that come with raising a child. I had so much support from family (and really could not have done it without them), but at the end of the day, the responsibility was mine alone.

Loneliness crept in at unexpected times. Watching other mums with their partners at school events, seeing families on days out together, hearing people complain about their husbands’ leaving dishes in the sink when I would have given anything to have someone to share the weight of life.

There were also practical struggles, balancing work, university, parenting, and my own mental health and struggles with depression. There were times when I longed for someone to just sit with me at the end of the day and say, 'You’re doing great.' To be the Bella to my Chilli, someone who could see the exhaustion behind my smile and remind me that I was enough. I did find strength in that independence, I had to. I learned to rely on myself in ways I never thought I could.

I feel this most when I’m the one who’s sick. When the house still needs running, the dinner still needs to be cooked, and there is no one there to step in. There’s no backup coming, no one there to let me rest. Those moments are the hardest, when I have to keep going even when all I want is for someone to take care of me for a change. I am enough, even when it’s hard. I always have been.

The Contradiction of Wanting Peace but Struggling with It

I dreamed of a little peace and quiet. The chaos of parenting, especially as a single mum, was exhausting. I thought that once they were older, I would finally get to enjoy the quiet. But now it’s here I can’t handle it.

I should feel grateful. I should enjoy the slower pace of life now, evenings where I can actually sit down with a cup of chamomile tea or a glass of wine. I do sometimes. But other times, I find myself scrolling through old photos on my phone, remembering the days when life was chaotic, messy and full of tiny hands reaching for mine.

I think the hardest part is that no one prepares you for this transition. There’s so much advice on how to survive those early years, but no one tells you what to do when your role as mum shifts, when the constant need for you starts to fade. I’m still figuring it out. Finding new routines, new ways to fill my time, and reminding myself that it’s okay to feel both relief and sadness at the same time.

I have truly learnt that motherhood, and life for that matter, is about constant adjustment. I am always letting go of one version of myself and stepping into another. Sometimes you miss your old self, but I know you can’t sit in the past too long or the future will never come, and the present will pass me by. I've come to realize that the loneliness of single motherhood isn’t just about the absence of noise or chaos, but about defining who I am and finding meaning in this new chapter of life.